10 de Mayo: the answer with no solution

Today I finally got it , i got the answer to my every question, of course it's not a very useful answer, but it actually fits every question about him, abou me, my future, my life… and the answer I got (which probably was send to me by God himself) is: “if you don’t know, no one will know before you”.

I know what you are thinking, I hate the answer too, because it’s not a solution to anything; but not every answer is a solution doesn’t it? But every solution and every answer may, can and, most likely, will lead to another conflict that’s probably how life is build, one question that leads to an answer, such answer leads to another question that will lead to an answer again and so goes on until you reach a solution, when you reach it it’s a must that another question will pop up,right the way.. chaos u may say? But it’s only life itself.

He is probably sitting quietly relaxing at his home, connected to messenger not knowing that with that action he takes all my breath away, I feel like a punch right in the middle of the stomach each time that that lil window pops up telling me that he is online, I hate him almost as much as I love him, but, unaware of it, he normally leaves right before I go nuts, before I cross that thin line I once talked about the thin line between “crazy obsessive teenage love” (which I proudly accept) and “psycho killer girl” (which I was going to turn into if I wouldn’t have managed to contact him after such a long decade).

9 de Mayo 2007: "To let go or Not to let go"

Sometimes you just feel like letting go of the dream, of the illusion.
Sometimes I wish that the time finally arrives for me, so that I can be able to let you go, some would call it resignation (including me) some call it reality check (including me as well)

There’s a very thin line between crazy obsessive and .. well… and me; but let me tell you, if you make a list of pros a cons, about me, pros will beat cons by far, first of all ‘cause is better to have me by your shore than in the opposite one. And second because the time I just talked about has passed and has gone away with an empty boot, cause I’m still stucked in my dream (or shall I say with my dreamed).

I think I’m swimming in the wrong direction, I’m getting closer to him, but still feels wrong, maybe I should be swimming to another shore, maybe I should be swimming to the boat, … maybe I shouldn’t be swimming at all, I probably shouldn’t even be wet but warm in my house (or at least in someone else’s).
You probably are unaware of all this, maybe it is for your best, just maybe ... I don’t know... but who knows? You do? Come and tell me…
Actually tell me anything I’m waiting to hear your voice (in my direction) for a decade now, I’m only begging to heaven for all of that time to be worth it.

Please don’t let it kick me in my four letters, don’t let destiny mock me.

Des-k-rgo x EL

There are times in your life when you wanna let go an illusion but in contrast there are times when you hold tighter to that illusion than to any other concrete thing you currently have, he is for me the most concrete illusion ever, you can almost touch what I feel for him, anyone who has ever heard me talk about him has and will, for the very first time their lifes, touch a feeling.
His appearing in my life, this time more likely to stay on it, has given me back the inner strength I once thought lost, and when I thought that I lost it again he delivered it to me again in a silver window (no platter, ‘cause it was a window).
It sounds really like I am dependant on whatever it has to do with him…. I probably am, I learned to live without everything he ever gave me but I also lived with high very very high expectations, it has and will keep on giving me heart problems (in the romantic way of that…. No heart attacks or so)
Although I think he once accomplished to fulfill everything in my MUST HAVE list …. Today I think, for the moment (and only because I stil haven’t get to the point I once were for him), only the illusion and memories of him accomplish them…. But like I said at first, sometimes you wanna let go sometimes u hold the illusion tighter …. With him its always tighter, it has become a part of me a part not everybody knows because only few would understand that I don’t have an obsessive crazy attitude but a romantic illusion one.He protects me, he doesn’t know it yet but he does he protects my dreams my capability of loving of believing of dreaming of trusting even, he doesn’t know now but he will, cause I need him to know how important he is in my life, cause if u have influence in a life as much as he has on mine is worth to be aware of that achievement, is no that often when someone becomes a standard of perfection even if it is for just one person. Someplace in my heart and my brains I feel he’ll complete me and he’ll help me become the person I am supposed to be and that I want to be.